i lied

i lied... the last post said this post was going to be about where all the addiction began... but instead... i'm gonna say that sick or not on my birthday i have the best group of friend, the best brothers ever, and had a fantastic birthday! plus... my car insurance went down!

whoo hoo happy birthday weekend to me!!

coming up

you know on t.v. how they show the "next week on...." this is what this is...


next entry.... how it all started (my addictive life, not like my birth and shit)

Stupid promises!!!

of course i would pick a day like this to tell dad i would do work around the house! Why wouldn't i look at the 5 day forcast, and say, i'll do on this rainy day!!!

and to boot, my friend just called me to go shoot guns! Arrrrrrrrrrg! So there as been "hey come skateboard with me.", "hey come play disc golf", "hey take a ride with me to trade out my gun for a new one, then shoot them." damn them all. Brent has the gun fever!!

anyway here are some pictures from today that i took.... i like to sit on the roof on pretty days... ahh the grace of waiting for laundry!


that's me being metal cause i am!!

that's america.... fuck yeah....

thats my hand blocking the sun cause it hurts me eyeballs

my feets... hell yeah chucks and jeans!!

yeah i know i smoke... hush!



more to come later i'm sure i know you all just thrilled waiting on the edges of your chairs for my next post!!

Sweet J

p.s... dail days... who are you?

Lazy Day Shuffle

So I spent the night at my friend Sean's house cause i just couldn't bring myself to sleep alone. He lives 5 houses down, so it's not like it's across town or anything, but i broke yet another promise to my mom and dad about being here this morning in the sense that, i wasn't.

Anyway, he made me some coffee and we sat and watched like the first 6 sessions of Cowboy Bebop, which is an anime that i just loooooooooove. So starting off the day lazy, makes me want to stay lazy all day, I have my meet in a little less than 2 hours, and have to clean up the current room i'm sleeping in and move to where all of my stuff is. which moving the stuff isn't a big deal, i just don't want to sleep up there in the mist of all of that shit up there. Cause i have my whole apartment in one room. So hence lazy day shuffle being my title.

I suppose I better get to shuffling, or it's gonna be shuffled for me, and that is -never- good. trust me.


-Sweet J-

I wrote this to a fellow NA member via myspace...

this is the exact copy of the email i sent to him. and to be honest i dont know why i'm even posting it on here. encouragement from people who don't really know me i suppose?! there is very few times why i know why i do what i do or write what i wrote or say what i say. all i know is if it's in there it needs to come out.

so with that, no pitty comments, just honest open ones. :-/

i need to get this off my chest, and i didn't really want to email David or Allison and i didn't want to put it in a blog, and i don't know if I'll be at a meeting tonight, so I'm emailing you. i don't have a sponsor and you seem to be doing pretty well. so at this point if you don;t really want to read it, don't, but I'm going to write it anyway.

i just read the first i dunno 21 pages of the basic text, and it made me pretty upset. how is something that is suppose to be so good and healthy be so painful and wrong? at least that's how it feels to me. the shit that goes through my head on a minute to minute basis isn't fun. it's not healthy and it's not good at all. it's twisted and sick and whatever.

I'm loosing a lot of faith in NA right now, and I'm trying so hard. I'm even praying a lot. and I'm praying from the heart like you've been telling me too. and nothing is happening, i don't feel better, i don't feel like there is any extra guidance or solace to it. it just keeps getting more and more aggravating and frustratingly painful. I'm still clean, and maybe it's just the detox, maybe it's just the fact that maybe i haven't really admitted to myself that I'm powerless over my addiction. or maybe i don't think I'm really an addict. I'm not sure.

my hope is fading fast, so is my will to be a good person. I've always tried so hard to make people happy and make them laugh when they think they can't. I've never taken myself seriously, and i don't really want to. i fuck over person after person because i don't let anyone in to know who i am. i don't know who i am, and if the person I'm feeling like today and lately is the person i am, then i don't want to know me.

i sit in those rooms, and i listen to people day in and day out talk about the shit they went through and how grateful they are that their high power gave them all of this strength and a good life, and I'm not having any of that. i know that we're suppose to have patience and wait for it all to fall into place, but shit, i don't have it, and i want it now.

i haven't gotten out of bed today, not at all, I've been awake for hours, and i can't pull myself out of bed. for anything, even if someone called and said hey here are a bunch of free ___insert drug here_______ you can have them if you want, i don't think i would get up.

everyday my mom and my dad beg me to do little things around the house like pick up a pair of pants in the bathroom and i can't bring myself to get up and do it. I'm slipping Sam, i really don't know what to do or how to handle this life. I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or hurt myself in anyway cause I'm not going to. that's just silly.

anyway, i think that's all i needed to drop off i suppose. i don't expect any response or discussion about it. just needed to get it out so maybe i can talk myself into getting up and picking up the pair of jeans in my bathroom floor.

i might see ya around, i might not. be safe.

J.

crazy little thing called... want.

Um, hope you like what I've done with the place. i can't really sleep, my eyes are sleepy but my brain won't stop running in circles and dancing a jig.

i think I'm pretty lonely tonight, it would be nice to sleep next to a warm body, not have sex with, just sleep. be held and adored, and told things that i need to hear, but only if they really mean it. cause, ha, I'm no dummy and i know when a guy is being nice so he can get laid.

i'm having the hardest time getting motivated, i mean, honestly if i could if i was allowed i wouldn't get out of bed, i mean i would go to NA, but that's pretty much it. i love spending the little time with my friends that i get to. since my car as shit out on me i've really learned who my friends are, who really cares enough to hang out. so far it's only two people, and one of them lives 5 houses away.

the guy i was dating decided that i was no longer worthy of his time. so we split, we're on good terms, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all, he would have rather spent time with another girl than take ten minutes to pick me up. if that doesn't make you feel important i dont know what would!!!!

i did a bit of art work tonight, nothing fabulous just some photo shop. maybe if i feel like getting out of bed tomorrow i'll take some pictures somewhere, cause ya know there are only so many decent pictures to take while laying in bed.

just to have arms around me, and for the lips attached to the body attached to those arms to say "you're beautiful inside and out." and then the eyes above those lips that said those words to confirm it's true and heart felt. that would be a dream come true.

the weird fucked thing about it is, that i don't want a relationship, i don't want anything serious, and i don't want love at this moment, i want company, and intimacy (non-sexual that is) maybe in a best friend kind of way. cause to perfectly honest i dont know if i have it in me to love someone right now, or even handle being loved. i think i have really loved one time in my life, and he destroyed me. i don't think i've healed from that, or if i ever will. Damn you Charlie McAdams!!!! it's my fault really, cause i never let anyone in enough for love to blossom as far as my love for them. i'm such a wuss.

Sweet J.


p.s... drinking 5 cups of coffee at midnight, not wise.

I am who i am...

What i am, who i am, what i will change and what i won't.

I hung out with Billie or a while this past week. Why? because i wanted to see if he was different, if he had changed. the truth is, barely. he was still up to the same ole same old, no job, living off of people, no money in the bank, and this time no dad to keep him a float. still looking through my phone, still getting upset at what he read in there, although, there was no agreement of the level of commitment between the two of us during the escapade. i put down guidelines, like: no sex, period, no sexual contact. he really couldn't grasp that one, at all. as a matter of fact he even said something along the lines of "if we can do everything else i don't understand why we can't do that.". then he would be "upset" at himself for behaving that way.

i've changed, i've grown up, granted i've taken a lot of major steps back, but i don't depend on someone else for my happiness, like i once did. i'm depending on myself.

so, here is a list of things about me that i will refuse to change for anyone... no matter what.

- i'm a flirt... i don't mean to be i just am.
- i'm forgetful and often absentminded about the way you feel in social situations.
- i will text whatever to whomever when i want to
- i will never invade your privacy and i will rub it in your face as much as possible if you invade mine
- i will say what i want to say and careless what you think
- i will put myself and my recovery in front of you or any of your bullshit
- i over think things and often over react in my head and will chill out before i bring it up to you.
- i will do stupid things and not think they're stupid
- i'll offend you and have no understanding on what was offensive and why.
- i'll probably think you're a big baby, if you're offended by something i say that wouldn't offend me.
- i will put my family first and tell you to promptly kiss my ass if you want in front of them.
- i want to get married and have kids, and i will laugh and joke about it with whomever i please whenever i please.
- i'm not a tree, you cannot piss on my to claim me as yours.
- i'm strong willed and strong in character i often don't need help when it comes to certain things, but if i ask for help i really need it.
- i may be a girl, but i'll be much more than a man than you most of the time.
- don't you dare throw any sort of game just because i'm a girl.
- i will play you harder, meaner and tougher than most girls because i am just that.
- i'll be afraid of really random stupid things, but not of the typical.
- i will think i suck at everything, no matter how much you tell me i don't.
- i will live my life the way i want to live it, which is at this moment surrounded by friends and being sober.
- i believe i need my anti-depressants and if you disagree then you can shove that right up your ass.
- i will use foul language pretty much all the time, except around my family cause it probably wouldn't go over very well.
- i'll smoke as long as i want to, but i will never smoke in front of my mom, cause that look in her eye when she see's me smoking is painful.
- my mom will always be my very best friend, and if you can't handle that take a hike.
- i have many "brothers" and if you think i'm too close to them, then you're retarded and probably jealous and it would never work between us anyway. so leave.
- i'll probably be more attracted to Ludacris than any guy i'll ever date, and i'll openly talk about it.
- i am who i am and that's all that i am.

Sweet J