crazy little thing called... want.

Um, hope you like what I've done with the place. i can't really sleep, my eyes are sleepy but my brain won't stop running in circles and dancing a jig.

i think I'm pretty lonely tonight, it would be nice to sleep next to a warm body, not have sex with, just sleep. be held and adored, and told things that i need to hear, but only if they really mean it. cause, ha, I'm no dummy and i know when a guy is being nice so he can get laid.

i'm having the hardest time getting motivated, i mean, honestly if i could if i was allowed i wouldn't get out of bed, i mean i would go to NA, but that's pretty much it. i love spending the little time with my friends that i get to. since my car as shit out on me i've really learned who my friends are, who really cares enough to hang out. so far it's only two people, and one of them lives 5 houses away.

the guy i was dating decided that i was no longer worthy of his time. so we split, we're on good terms, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all, he would have rather spent time with another girl than take ten minutes to pick me up. if that doesn't make you feel important i dont know what would!!!!

i did a bit of art work tonight, nothing fabulous just some photo shop. maybe if i feel like getting out of bed tomorrow i'll take some pictures somewhere, cause ya know there are only so many decent pictures to take while laying in bed.

just to have arms around me, and for the lips attached to the body attached to those arms to say "you're beautiful inside and out." and then the eyes above those lips that said those words to confirm it's true and heart felt. that would be a dream come true.

the weird fucked thing about it is, that i don't want a relationship, i don't want anything serious, and i don't want love at this moment, i want company, and intimacy (non-sexual that is) maybe in a best friend kind of way. cause to perfectly honest i dont know if i have it in me to love someone right now, or even handle being loved. i think i have really loved one time in my life, and he destroyed me. i don't think i've healed from that, or if i ever will. Damn you Charlie McAdams!!!! it's my fault really, cause i never let anyone in enough for love to blossom as far as my love for them. i'm such a wuss.

Sweet J.


p.s... drinking 5 cups of coffee at midnight, not wise.