my morning coffee prayer

Nothing like my morning cup o joe to get me ready to spend the day with a one year old.

dear lord, don't let me kill this child, please help me keep all of her limbs and most of her head. thank you.

Sweet J

alone in a bunker

ever just have a great day one day, then the day after you feel like all life has been squeezed out of you like an orange into orange juice?

i had a great day yesterday, i did creative things, i took pictures for the first time in forever, granted they aren't artist, or whatever but i made something. and today, it seems like creativity was just drained. no need or want to write or create. or do anything for that matter, just lay in bed and watch season 3 of Six Feet Under, and between discs check my myspace for signs of life from others, that might have to do with mine. an email, a comment, a new blog something that had to do with someone else so i could get out of my head. or maybe, perhaps, possibly to get into my head.

i didnt want to do the people contact thing very much, so i hung with kipp, and cory (staci as you will most likely hear me refer to him as) and had a decent day with that. he dropped me off and i've been in this room locked up with my six feet under. I didnt go to my meeting cause i just wanted to stay in bed. i have a minor headache but nothing that would stop me from doing whatever before. but today, today was different. i just wanted to sleep, and when i would try it never came, but when i would lay down on kipps bed waiting for him to get out of the shower and take me home, it came and apparently it came hard, cause when i finally woke up kipp and staci were standing over me talking about how they think i could sleep through anything. staci said when i awoke the he had been playing loud music and drumming to it, not knowing i was asleep and i never heard one beat. i laughed and this, and told them that as a kid, we learned how to sleep hard in the car on long road trips due to dads humming. that's the only thing i can think of as to why i sleep so hard.

i'm babysitting tomorrow for a couple who is moving. her name is kiari and she's one and smily and so happy. i'm excited. she loves me or at least i hope she does or it's gonna be a loooooooooooong day.

anyway i guess i'll try to get some sleep, i just wanted to write a little something i suppose... time for another disc of sfu season 3!!

"life on lifes terms"

I'm hyper this morning. That's about what my face would look like if i didn't control it. :) it's a good day today, i love being able to say that! it's rare that i feel like I'm able to say that.

Last night we talked about acceptance. A lot of things were said, about not only accepting yourself but others as well. I was speaking with mom about this when i got home, and she said that I've never had a hard time accepting people. well that simply is not true. I mean i accept people for who they are, but i have a very hard time accepting why they're in my life. for example, i had a very hard time accepting that Sharon was going to be Alan's new lovey dovey, then again i was ten. I had a hard time accepting that Ryan wasn't going to act as goofy with me as he would Ashley, which once again i was really young. I have over the years accepted that my brothers are going to grow up, have families and lives of their very own, and that no matter what I'm still their little sister and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. I once accepted God as my Lord and Savior. I've also accepted that I'm not so sure about that now. I've accepted that I have an addictive personality, that when i like something, i want to do it -all- the time, be it good or bad. I've accepted my faults, my physical attributes about myself that i do not particularly like, but i was given it through the grace of genetics. I have accepted that I'm adopted, and as a matter of fact it's the very best thing that could have happened do me.

I have a hard time accepting my good qualities in myself, although i know i have many, or people wouldn't like me so much. But those qualities that i don't really see right now will become brighter and more fulfilling because I'm not sure who i am at this point. I've spent time from the age of 13 (yes 13 or however old i was when we moved to Tennessee) to a couple of weeks ago, damaging myself, smoking, drinking, popping pills, smoking weed, and various other drugs, learning who i was through those things. and now i'm clean and sober praying that i can finish my first step (shit, finish the day) still being clean and sober. but i don't know simple things about myself that someone who is almost 25 should know about themselves. It's hard for me to pinpoint what feels are. I know, that i feel something, and i know the basics, i know anger, happiness, sadness, love, hate, guilt. But outside of that, i can't tell you on any given day when i feel.... lets say... discontent, or even content with myself. because when i was learning what those meant to me how that felt inside, i was messed up on something.

I came clean to mom and dad about a lot of things the other day. and i'm very positive that it was stuff they did not want to hear. but i want so badly for us to have a good -honest- relationship for the first time since i was a kid i'm sure. my car is messed up, they let me use theirs and even pick up people for my meetins and i bring it back when i'm suppose to, and even if i'm going to be 15 minutes late, i'll call. I've distroyed their trust in me, their respect because i did not respect them. i took them for granted and i'm done with that. so i got things off my chest that they didn't want to hear, so that maybe they could understand that -honest- reason i put myself in Narcotics Anonymous and not in Alcoholics Anonymous, and i talk canidly about what we talk about in there, so that maybe they will see that i'm trying very very hard to better myself for myself. So i can be what dad know i can be. he has more faith in me that i could ever imagine. there was a time in my life where we couldn't be in the same room with out arguing and fighting. and for so long i thought it was because we were too different. but now i see we're so much a like, so we jump on each others cases about things.

I really dont know once again where i was going with this... loosing train of thought of what this was suppose to be about in the first place. but i suppose that's the thing about blogs, it's whatever comes out of your fingertips... that's the thing about creativity, it just happens.

Sweet J.

"I'm in love with myself i hate everyone else and i blame my identity" - War Within.

The things people come up with... knee slapper.

Bills, bills, bills

No no no not the song.

Lets start off this blog with, I feel sad today. I just woke up sad. I hate waking up sad, i mean it could be good to wake up sad, cause then the day could only get happier. But I like waking up happy, I like my morning stretch and saying in my own morning grumble... "it's gonna be a good day!". Sad days are hard for me, it's when i want to look for that other "fix" so to speak to make me feel better. Kipp explained what happens to your chemical make up when you're addicted to drinking or pills or whatever. You can understand this more here

Anyway, when i was actively using, i mangaged to say fuck it to all of my bills, and now have a rather large amount of debt, and i'm not currently working to pay these bills, my car is fucked, and i just feel overloaded. and that is really selfish of me, because i have a family who loves me, i have friends who love me, and i have a roof over my head, when mom and dad could have easily just say "no way jose.". I just feel like a huge let down to everyone in this family. I had everything handed to me as a child, teen, young adult (if you can concider me that, cause i feel like a child) and i just took it all for granted, blew the trust, blew the respect, blew the money, blew everything away for that one drink, for that one pill. which always turned into those drinks, with those pills. and it was never enough. in NA we talk about about 1 is too many and 1,000 isn't enough and that's right on the nose.

I don't know where i'm going with this really. I'm just typing, not really sure of the words coming out of my fingers or if it even makes sense. So i'm gonna stop and leave you with lyrics from one of my favorite bands that might make sense with this blog. you tell me.


Not Enough lyrics
There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're
not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to that hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need is real
If it's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough I’m sorry
If it's not enough
It’s not enough

- our lady peace



-Sweet J-

What if.....

That's what my eyes are looking like right now, I cannot sleep. I've laid here for hours trying to get some sleep. It's just not happening. My sponsor said this would happen, during "post acute withdrawal" which is pretty much the fancy term for detox. I've pretty much been detoxing for about 3 days, which is odd cause it should have happened a lot earlier, but my body is slow.

Anyway, I was smoking and I had a thought, what if everyone, on the face of the earth said exactly what they think all the time. I mean true 100% honesty. I wonder if our world would shatter and break. Or if it would be more peaceful.

Truth hurts sometimes, it hurts when you hear it, it hurts when you have to say it, it hurts the most when you have to say it to yourself.

Kipp (which is a guy I'm on and off dating i suppose) took me out to eat this morning at Cracker Barrel which is our Sunday morning thing. Anyway, there was a picture of a high school class from Maine dated 1926. There looked like 100 kids there maybe more maybe less. And I looked across the table and asked Kipp very seriously "How many of those people do you think died in wars?". The look on his face was shocked then very, i'm not sure intrigued for lack of a better word. And he asked me to repeat myself, which i did, twice really. And once he wrapped his head around that question, he looked up at me from his blueberry pancakes and said, "only you would ask that question, because only you would be honest enough with yourself to ask yourself that question first.". And I did ask myself, how many of them are dead now because of some pissing contest in between countries and races.

I just wonder, if everyone really said what they thought, what they meant honestly 100% of the time, what the world would be like. I guess it's like flipping a coin, heads it bad, tails it's good.


Now i'm gonna leave you with a funny something...

As i lay me down to sleep (or try)
I pray thee lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
i pray the lord my soul to take
and if he don't, i don't care
i can see your underwear.


-Sweet J-

Morning Coffee

I don't have any super cute stories to tell, my stories that I know currently are about people who are addicts. I don't have any cute pictures to post because, I've stopped taking pictures. I have no words of wisdom, as if you would need them from me anyway. But what I do have is this forum to express myself and get out of my own head a little bit. It's honestly not very pretty in there, I've switched my addiction to drinking and whatever else to coffee, and there is no way i can function without it.

I've been going to NA (narcotics anonymous) pretty much every night. I've gotten a good sponsor who listens well, offers her advice, and many hugs. I've bonded with people that I never thought I would. I never thought that I would listen so hard to what a former crackhead would speak about. But I do. I'm there every night, listening, trying so hard to take something in. Trying to figure out what those damned 12 steps mean. How I need to use them.

I was talking to dad this morning (morning being lunch time mind you) about my process.
And he said "You can go as fast as you want to go with this process Jess, just do it.". And that confused me, because every night I hear people talk about "I just wanted to work the steps as fast as i could just fly through them, then i would relapse and get nothing out of it.". So I'm stuck, do i believe these "strangers" that understand exactly what I'm going through and have years and years of clean time? Or do I just listen to my father and fly through them? Obey thy Father and Mother? Work the steps in my own time so I get the most out of it?!

Who would have guested that all of this massive amount of confusion and thinking would happen in less than an hour of being awake on a Saturday morning (afternoon)?! Not this girl.

- Sweet J-