Shipping Up To Boston

ha i wish i was shipping up to boston. here is a little FF about yours truly... i'm in love with the city Boston, and want to live there one day and do something awesome there.

thanks to these things that make me think Boston is kinda cool...

Dropkick Murphys
Ally McBeal
The Departed
The Boondock Saints.

i'm weird i know. :)

Date night tonight... whoo!!

also enjoy this...

i am slowly going crazy...

I can't sleep. I've slept a lot since i've been sick and now that i'm feeling a little bit better, sleep is not coming so easily. i even woke up at 6:30am this morning, granted i didn't do a whole lot, spent a lot of the day with mom and that was great.

I'm dating a new guy, well new to date, i've known him since '99 so he's not so new. His name is Sean, and we came about being friends again when my friendship with Philly (no you cannot call him that) really started to take off. Philly I've also known since '99, and he's really one of the people that i trust most in this world, plus he is probably the funniest people i know. anyway, sean lives a whole 5 houses down, so it's pretty nice to have someone be within walking distance since i'm without a car right now. plus, he's pretty laid back about taking me places if the need be. there is always some sort of shananagains (is that to many na's?) and a lot of making fun of each other, which therefor causes massive amounts of laughter. These two defiantly brighten up my day no matter what.

Lets see is there any other Sweet J related news? Oh i got a new pair of slippers today, they're super comfortable and i never want to take them off of my feet... ever. they're heaven.

oh! i'm teaching myself how to play texas hold em on some app on myspace, so far i suck a lot.


i think that's it for now, i'm gonna throw in a little movie i like to call "The Departed" because that's the title of the film.

Sweet J

i lied

i lied... the last post said this post was going to be about where all the addiction began... but instead... i'm gonna say that sick or not on my birthday i have the best group of friend, the best brothers ever, and had a fantastic birthday! plus... my car insurance went down!

whoo hoo happy birthday weekend to me!!

coming up

you know on t.v. how they show the "next week on...." this is what this is...


next entry.... how it all started (my addictive life, not like my birth and shit)

Stupid promises!!!

of course i would pick a day like this to tell dad i would do work around the house! Why wouldn't i look at the 5 day forcast, and say, i'll do on this rainy day!!!

and to boot, my friend just called me to go shoot guns! Arrrrrrrrrrg! So there as been "hey come skateboard with me.", "hey come play disc golf", "hey take a ride with me to trade out my gun for a new one, then shoot them." damn them all. Brent has the gun fever!!

anyway here are some pictures from today that i took.... i like to sit on the roof on pretty days... ahh the grace of waiting for laundry!


that's me being metal cause i am!!

that's america.... fuck yeah....

thats my hand blocking the sun cause it hurts me eyeballs

my feets... hell yeah chucks and jeans!!

yeah i know i smoke... hush!



more to come later i'm sure i know you all just thrilled waiting on the edges of your chairs for my next post!!

Sweet J

p.s... dail days... who are you?

Lazy Day Shuffle

So I spent the night at my friend Sean's house cause i just couldn't bring myself to sleep alone. He lives 5 houses down, so it's not like it's across town or anything, but i broke yet another promise to my mom and dad about being here this morning in the sense that, i wasn't.

Anyway, he made me some coffee and we sat and watched like the first 6 sessions of Cowboy Bebop, which is an anime that i just loooooooooove. So starting off the day lazy, makes me want to stay lazy all day, I have my meet in a little less than 2 hours, and have to clean up the current room i'm sleeping in and move to where all of my stuff is. which moving the stuff isn't a big deal, i just don't want to sleep up there in the mist of all of that shit up there. Cause i have my whole apartment in one room. So hence lazy day shuffle being my title.

I suppose I better get to shuffling, or it's gonna be shuffled for me, and that is -never- good. trust me.


-Sweet J-

I wrote this to a fellow NA member via myspace...

this is the exact copy of the email i sent to him. and to be honest i dont know why i'm even posting it on here. encouragement from people who don't really know me i suppose?! there is very few times why i know why i do what i do or write what i wrote or say what i say. all i know is if it's in there it needs to come out.

so with that, no pitty comments, just honest open ones. :-/

i need to get this off my chest, and i didn't really want to email David or Allison and i didn't want to put it in a blog, and i don't know if I'll be at a meeting tonight, so I'm emailing you. i don't have a sponsor and you seem to be doing pretty well. so at this point if you don;t really want to read it, don't, but I'm going to write it anyway.

i just read the first i dunno 21 pages of the basic text, and it made me pretty upset. how is something that is suppose to be so good and healthy be so painful and wrong? at least that's how it feels to me. the shit that goes through my head on a minute to minute basis isn't fun. it's not healthy and it's not good at all. it's twisted and sick and whatever.

I'm loosing a lot of faith in NA right now, and I'm trying so hard. I'm even praying a lot. and I'm praying from the heart like you've been telling me too. and nothing is happening, i don't feel better, i don't feel like there is any extra guidance or solace to it. it just keeps getting more and more aggravating and frustratingly painful. I'm still clean, and maybe it's just the detox, maybe it's just the fact that maybe i haven't really admitted to myself that I'm powerless over my addiction. or maybe i don't think I'm really an addict. I'm not sure.

my hope is fading fast, so is my will to be a good person. I've always tried so hard to make people happy and make them laugh when they think they can't. I've never taken myself seriously, and i don't really want to. i fuck over person after person because i don't let anyone in to know who i am. i don't know who i am, and if the person I'm feeling like today and lately is the person i am, then i don't want to know me.

i sit in those rooms, and i listen to people day in and day out talk about the shit they went through and how grateful they are that their high power gave them all of this strength and a good life, and I'm not having any of that. i know that we're suppose to have patience and wait for it all to fall into place, but shit, i don't have it, and i want it now.

i haven't gotten out of bed today, not at all, I've been awake for hours, and i can't pull myself out of bed. for anything, even if someone called and said hey here are a bunch of free ___insert drug here_______ you can have them if you want, i don't think i would get up.

everyday my mom and my dad beg me to do little things around the house like pick up a pair of pants in the bathroom and i can't bring myself to get up and do it. I'm slipping Sam, i really don't know what to do or how to handle this life. I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or hurt myself in anyway cause I'm not going to. that's just silly.

anyway, i think that's all i needed to drop off i suppose. i don't expect any response or discussion about it. just needed to get it out so maybe i can talk myself into getting up and picking up the pair of jeans in my bathroom floor.

i might see ya around, i might not. be safe.

J.

crazy little thing called... want.

Um, hope you like what I've done with the place. i can't really sleep, my eyes are sleepy but my brain won't stop running in circles and dancing a jig.

i think I'm pretty lonely tonight, it would be nice to sleep next to a warm body, not have sex with, just sleep. be held and adored, and told things that i need to hear, but only if they really mean it. cause, ha, I'm no dummy and i know when a guy is being nice so he can get laid.

i'm having the hardest time getting motivated, i mean, honestly if i could if i was allowed i wouldn't get out of bed, i mean i would go to NA, but that's pretty much it. i love spending the little time with my friends that i get to. since my car as shit out on me i've really learned who my friends are, who really cares enough to hang out. so far it's only two people, and one of them lives 5 houses away.

the guy i was dating decided that i was no longer worthy of his time. so we split, we're on good terms, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all, he would have rather spent time with another girl than take ten minutes to pick me up. if that doesn't make you feel important i dont know what would!!!!

i did a bit of art work tonight, nothing fabulous just some photo shop. maybe if i feel like getting out of bed tomorrow i'll take some pictures somewhere, cause ya know there are only so many decent pictures to take while laying in bed.

just to have arms around me, and for the lips attached to the body attached to those arms to say "you're beautiful inside and out." and then the eyes above those lips that said those words to confirm it's true and heart felt. that would be a dream come true.

the weird fucked thing about it is, that i don't want a relationship, i don't want anything serious, and i don't want love at this moment, i want company, and intimacy (non-sexual that is) maybe in a best friend kind of way. cause to perfectly honest i dont know if i have it in me to love someone right now, or even handle being loved. i think i have really loved one time in my life, and he destroyed me. i don't think i've healed from that, or if i ever will. Damn you Charlie McAdams!!!! it's my fault really, cause i never let anyone in enough for love to blossom as far as my love for them. i'm such a wuss.

Sweet J.


p.s... drinking 5 cups of coffee at midnight, not wise.

I am who i am...

What i am, who i am, what i will change and what i won't.

I hung out with Billie or a while this past week. Why? because i wanted to see if he was different, if he had changed. the truth is, barely. he was still up to the same ole same old, no job, living off of people, no money in the bank, and this time no dad to keep him a float. still looking through my phone, still getting upset at what he read in there, although, there was no agreement of the level of commitment between the two of us during the escapade. i put down guidelines, like: no sex, period, no sexual contact. he really couldn't grasp that one, at all. as a matter of fact he even said something along the lines of "if we can do everything else i don't understand why we can't do that.". then he would be "upset" at himself for behaving that way.

i've changed, i've grown up, granted i've taken a lot of major steps back, but i don't depend on someone else for my happiness, like i once did. i'm depending on myself.

so, here is a list of things about me that i will refuse to change for anyone... no matter what.

- i'm a flirt... i don't mean to be i just am.
- i'm forgetful and often absentminded about the way you feel in social situations.
- i will text whatever to whomever when i want to
- i will never invade your privacy and i will rub it in your face as much as possible if you invade mine
- i will say what i want to say and careless what you think
- i will put myself and my recovery in front of you or any of your bullshit
- i over think things and often over react in my head and will chill out before i bring it up to you.
- i will do stupid things and not think they're stupid
- i'll offend you and have no understanding on what was offensive and why.
- i'll probably think you're a big baby, if you're offended by something i say that wouldn't offend me.
- i will put my family first and tell you to promptly kiss my ass if you want in front of them.
- i want to get married and have kids, and i will laugh and joke about it with whomever i please whenever i please.
- i'm not a tree, you cannot piss on my to claim me as yours.
- i'm strong willed and strong in character i often don't need help when it comes to certain things, but if i ask for help i really need it.
- i may be a girl, but i'll be much more than a man than you most of the time.
- don't you dare throw any sort of game just because i'm a girl.
- i will play you harder, meaner and tougher than most girls because i am just that.
- i'll be afraid of really random stupid things, but not of the typical.
- i will think i suck at everything, no matter how much you tell me i don't.
- i will live my life the way i want to live it, which is at this moment surrounded by friends and being sober.
- i believe i need my anti-depressants and if you disagree then you can shove that right up your ass.
- i will use foul language pretty much all the time, except around my family cause it probably wouldn't go over very well.
- i'll smoke as long as i want to, but i will never smoke in front of my mom, cause that look in her eye when she see's me smoking is painful.
- my mom will always be my very best friend, and if you can't handle that take a hike.
- i have many "brothers" and if you think i'm too close to them, then you're retarded and probably jealous and it would never work between us anyway. so leave.
- i'll probably be more attracted to Ludacris than any guy i'll ever date, and i'll openly talk about it.
- i am who i am and that's all that i am.

Sweet J

my morning coffee prayer

Nothing like my morning cup o joe to get me ready to spend the day with a one year old.

dear lord, don't let me kill this child, please help me keep all of her limbs and most of her head. thank you.

Sweet J

alone in a bunker

ever just have a great day one day, then the day after you feel like all life has been squeezed out of you like an orange into orange juice?

i had a great day yesterday, i did creative things, i took pictures for the first time in forever, granted they aren't artist, or whatever but i made something. and today, it seems like creativity was just drained. no need or want to write or create. or do anything for that matter, just lay in bed and watch season 3 of Six Feet Under, and between discs check my myspace for signs of life from others, that might have to do with mine. an email, a comment, a new blog something that had to do with someone else so i could get out of my head. or maybe, perhaps, possibly to get into my head.

i didnt want to do the people contact thing very much, so i hung with kipp, and cory (staci as you will most likely hear me refer to him as) and had a decent day with that. he dropped me off and i've been in this room locked up with my six feet under. I didnt go to my meeting cause i just wanted to stay in bed. i have a minor headache but nothing that would stop me from doing whatever before. but today, today was different. i just wanted to sleep, and when i would try it never came, but when i would lay down on kipps bed waiting for him to get out of the shower and take me home, it came and apparently it came hard, cause when i finally woke up kipp and staci were standing over me talking about how they think i could sleep through anything. staci said when i awoke the he had been playing loud music and drumming to it, not knowing i was asleep and i never heard one beat. i laughed and this, and told them that as a kid, we learned how to sleep hard in the car on long road trips due to dads humming. that's the only thing i can think of as to why i sleep so hard.

i'm babysitting tomorrow for a couple who is moving. her name is kiari and she's one and smily and so happy. i'm excited. she loves me or at least i hope she does or it's gonna be a loooooooooooong day.

anyway i guess i'll try to get some sleep, i just wanted to write a little something i suppose... time for another disc of sfu season 3!!

"life on lifes terms"

I'm hyper this morning. That's about what my face would look like if i didn't control it. :) it's a good day today, i love being able to say that! it's rare that i feel like I'm able to say that.

Last night we talked about acceptance. A lot of things were said, about not only accepting yourself but others as well. I was speaking with mom about this when i got home, and she said that I've never had a hard time accepting people. well that simply is not true. I mean i accept people for who they are, but i have a very hard time accepting why they're in my life. for example, i had a very hard time accepting that Sharon was going to be Alan's new lovey dovey, then again i was ten. I had a hard time accepting that Ryan wasn't going to act as goofy with me as he would Ashley, which once again i was really young. I have over the years accepted that my brothers are going to grow up, have families and lives of their very own, and that no matter what I'm still their little sister and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. I once accepted God as my Lord and Savior. I've also accepted that I'm not so sure about that now. I've accepted that I have an addictive personality, that when i like something, i want to do it -all- the time, be it good or bad. I've accepted my faults, my physical attributes about myself that i do not particularly like, but i was given it through the grace of genetics. I have accepted that I'm adopted, and as a matter of fact it's the very best thing that could have happened do me.

I have a hard time accepting my good qualities in myself, although i know i have many, or people wouldn't like me so much. But those qualities that i don't really see right now will become brighter and more fulfilling because I'm not sure who i am at this point. I've spent time from the age of 13 (yes 13 or however old i was when we moved to Tennessee) to a couple of weeks ago, damaging myself, smoking, drinking, popping pills, smoking weed, and various other drugs, learning who i was through those things. and now i'm clean and sober praying that i can finish my first step (shit, finish the day) still being clean and sober. but i don't know simple things about myself that someone who is almost 25 should know about themselves. It's hard for me to pinpoint what feels are. I know, that i feel something, and i know the basics, i know anger, happiness, sadness, love, hate, guilt. But outside of that, i can't tell you on any given day when i feel.... lets say... discontent, or even content with myself. because when i was learning what those meant to me how that felt inside, i was messed up on something.

I came clean to mom and dad about a lot of things the other day. and i'm very positive that it was stuff they did not want to hear. but i want so badly for us to have a good -honest- relationship for the first time since i was a kid i'm sure. my car is messed up, they let me use theirs and even pick up people for my meetins and i bring it back when i'm suppose to, and even if i'm going to be 15 minutes late, i'll call. I've distroyed their trust in me, their respect because i did not respect them. i took them for granted and i'm done with that. so i got things off my chest that they didn't want to hear, so that maybe they could understand that -honest- reason i put myself in Narcotics Anonymous and not in Alcoholics Anonymous, and i talk canidly about what we talk about in there, so that maybe they will see that i'm trying very very hard to better myself for myself. So i can be what dad know i can be. he has more faith in me that i could ever imagine. there was a time in my life where we couldn't be in the same room with out arguing and fighting. and for so long i thought it was because we were too different. but now i see we're so much a like, so we jump on each others cases about things.

I really dont know once again where i was going with this... loosing train of thought of what this was suppose to be about in the first place. but i suppose that's the thing about blogs, it's whatever comes out of your fingertips... that's the thing about creativity, it just happens.

Sweet J.

"I'm in love with myself i hate everyone else and i blame my identity" - War Within.

The things people come up with... knee slapper.

Bills, bills, bills

No no no not the song.

Lets start off this blog with, I feel sad today. I just woke up sad. I hate waking up sad, i mean it could be good to wake up sad, cause then the day could only get happier. But I like waking up happy, I like my morning stretch and saying in my own morning grumble... "it's gonna be a good day!". Sad days are hard for me, it's when i want to look for that other "fix" so to speak to make me feel better. Kipp explained what happens to your chemical make up when you're addicted to drinking or pills or whatever. You can understand this more here

Anyway, when i was actively using, i mangaged to say fuck it to all of my bills, and now have a rather large amount of debt, and i'm not currently working to pay these bills, my car is fucked, and i just feel overloaded. and that is really selfish of me, because i have a family who loves me, i have friends who love me, and i have a roof over my head, when mom and dad could have easily just say "no way jose.". I just feel like a huge let down to everyone in this family. I had everything handed to me as a child, teen, young adult (if you can concider me that, cause i feel like a child) and i just took it all for granted, blew the trust, blew the respect, blew the money, blew everything away for that one drink, for that one pill. which always turned into those drinks, with those pills. and it was never enough. in NA we talk about about 1 is too many and 1,000 isn't enough and that's right on the nose.

I don't know where i'm going with this really. I'm just typing, not really sure of the words coming out of my fingers or if it even makes sense. So i'm gonna stop and leave you with lyrics from one of my favorite bands that might make sense with this blog. you tell me.


Not Enough lyrics
There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're
not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to that hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need is real
If it's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough I’m sorry
If it's not enough
It’s not enough

- our lady peace



-Sweet J-

What if.....

That's what my eyes are looking like right now, I cannot sleep. I've laid here for hours trying to get some sleep. It's just not happening. My sponsor said this would happen, during "post acute withdrawal" which is pretty much the fancy term for detox. I've pretty much been detoxing for about 3 days, which is odd cause it should have happened a lot earlier, but my body is slow.

Anyway, I was smoking and I had a thought, what if everyone, on the face of the earth said exactly what they think all the time. I mean true 100% honesty. I wonder if our world would shatter and break. Or if it would be more peaceful.

Truth hurts sometimes, it hurts when you hear it, it hurts when you have to say it, it hurts the most when you have to say it to yourself.

Kipp (which is a guy I'm on and off dating i suppose) took me out to eat this morning at Cracker Barrel which is our Sunday morning thing. Anyway, there was a picture of a high school class from Maine dated 1926. There looked like 100 kids there maybe more maybe less. And I looked across the table and asked Kipp very seriously "How many of those people do you think died in wars?". The look on his face was shocked then very, i'm not sure intrigued for lack of a better word. And he asked me to repeat myself, which i did, twice really. And once he wrapped his head around that question, he looked up at me from his blueberry pancakes and said, "only you would ask that question, because only you would be honest enough with yourself to ask yourself that question first.". And I did ask myself, how many of them are dead now because of some pissing contest in between countries and races.

I just wonder, if everyone really said what they thought, what they meant honestly 100% of the time, what the world would be like. I guess it's like flipping a coin, heads it bad, tails it's good.


Now i'm gonna leave you with a funny something...

As i lay me down to sleep (or try)
I pray thee lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
i pray the lord my soul to take
and if he don't, i don't care
i can see your underwear.


-Sweet J-

Morning Coffee

I don't have any super cute stories to tell, my stories that I know currently are about people who are addicts. I don't have any cute pictures to post because, I've stopped taking pictures. I have no words of wisdom, as if you would need them from me anyway. But what I do have is this forum to express myself and get out of my own head a little bit. It's honestly not very pretty in there, I've switched my addiction to drinking and whatever else to coffee, and there is no way i can function without it.

I've been going to NA (narcotics anonymous) pretty much every night. I've gotten a good sponsor who listens well, offers her advice, and many hugs. I've bonded with people that I never thought I would. I never thought that I would listen so hard to what a former crackhead would speak about. But I do. I'm there every night, listening, trying so hard to take something in. Trying to figure out what those damned 12 steps mean. How I need to use them.

I was talking to dad this morning (morning being lunch time mind you) about my process.
And he said "You can go as fast as you want to go with this process Jess, just do it.". And that confused me, because every night I hear people talk about "I just wanted to work the steps as fast as i could just fly through them, then i would relapse and get nothing out of it.". So I'm stuck, do i believe these "strangers" that understand exactly what I'm going through and have years and years of clean time? Or do I just listen to my father and fly through them? Obey thy Father and Mother? Work the steps in my own time so I get the most out of it?!

Who would have guested that all of this massive amount of confusion and thinking would happen in less than an hour of being awake on a Saturday morning (afternoon)?! Not this girl.

- Sweet J-