I wrote this to a fellow NA member via myspace...

this is the exact copy of the email i sent to him. and to be honest i dont know why i'm even posting it on here. encouragement from people who don't really know me i suppose?! there is very few times why i know why i do what i do or write what i wrote or say what i say. all i know is if it's in there it needs to come out.

so with that, no pitty comments, just honest open ones. :-/

i need to get this off my chest, and i didn't really want to email David or Allison and i didn't want to put it in a blog, and i don't know if I'll be at a meeting tonight, so I'm emailing you. i don't have a sponsor and you seem to be doing pretty well. so at this point if you don;t really want to read it, don't, but I'm going to write it anyway.

i just read the first i dunno 21 pages of the basic text, and it made me pretty upset. how is something that is suppose to be so good and healthy be so painful and wrong? at least that's how it feels to me. the shit that goes through my head on a minute to minute basis isn't fun. it's not healthy and it's not good at all. it's twisted and sick and whatever.

I'm loosing a lot of faith in NA right now, and I'm trying so hard. I'm even praying a lot. and I'm praying from the heart like you've been telling me too. and nothing is happening, i don't feel better, i don't feel like there is any extra guidance or solace to it. it just keeps getting more and more aggravating and frustratingly painful. I'm still clean, and maybe it's just the detox, maybe it's just the fact that maybe i haven't really admitted to myself that I'm powerless over my addiction. or maybe i don't think I'm really an addict. I'm not sure.

my hope is fading fast, so is my will to be a good person. I've always tried so hard to make people happy and make them laugh when they think they can't. I've never taken myself seriously, and i don't really want to. i fuck over person after person because i don't let anyone in to know who i am. i don't know who i am, and if the person I'm feeling like today and lately is the person i am, then i don't want to know me.

i sit in those rooms, and i listen to people day in and day out talk about the shit they went through and how grateful they are that their high power gave them all of this strength and a good life, and I'm not having any of that. i know that we're suppose to have patience and wait for it all to fall into place, but shit, i don't have it, and i want it now.

i haven't gotten out of bed today, not at all, I've been awake for hours, and i can't pull myself out of bed. for anything, even if someone called and said hey here are a bunch of free ___insert drug here_______ you can have them if you want, i don't think i would get up.

everyday my mom and my dad beg me to do little things around the house like pick up a pair of pants in the bathroom and i can't bring myself to get up and do it. I'm slipping Sam, i really don't know what to do or how to handle this life. I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or hurt myself in anyway cause I'm not going to. that's just silly.

anyway, i think that's all i needed to drop off i suppose. i don't expect any response or discussion about it. just needed to get it out so maybe i can talk myself into getting up and picking up the pair of jeans in my bathroom floor.

i might see ya around, i might not. be safe.

J.