Bills, bills, bills

No no no not the song.

Lets start off this blog with, I feel sad today. I just woke up sad. I hate waking up sad, i mean it could be good to wake up sad, cause then the day could only get happier. But I like waking up happy, I like my morning stretch and saying in my own morning grumble... "it's gonna be a good day!". Sad days are hard for me, it's when i want to look for that other "fix" so to speak to make me feel better. Kipp explained what happens to your chemical make up when you're addicted to drinking or pills or whatever. You can understand this more here

Anyway, when i was actively using, i mangaged to say fuck it to all of my bills, and now have a rather large amount of debt, and i'm not currently working to pay these bills, my car is fucked, and i just feel overloaded. and that is really selfish of me, because i have a family who loves me, i have friends who love me, and i have a roof over my head, when mom and dad could have easily just say "no way jose.". I just feel like a huge let down to everyone in this family. I had everything handed to me as a child, teen, young adult (if you can concider me that, cause i feel like a child) and i just took it all for granted, blew the trust, blew the respect, blew the money, blew everything away for that one drink, for that one pill. which always turned into those drinks, with those pills. and it was never enough. in NA we talk about about 1 is too many and 1,000 isn't enough and that's right on the nose.

I don't know where i'm going with this really. I'm just typing, not really sure of the words coming out of my fingers or if it even makes sense. So i'm gonna stop and leave you with lyrics from one of my favorite bands that might make sense with this blog. you tell me.


Not Enough lyrics
There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're
not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to that hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you love
What you need is real
If it's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough I’m sorry
If it's not enough
It’s not enough

- our lady peace



-Sweet J-