"life on lifes terms"

I'm hyper this morning. That's about what my face would look like if i didn't control it. :) it's a good day today, i love being able to say that! it's rare that i feel like I'm able to say that.

Last night we talked about acceptance. A lot of things were said, about not only accepting yourself but others as well. I was speaking with mom about this when i got home, and she said that I've never had a hard time accepting people. well that simply is not true. I mean i accept people for who they are, but i have a very hard time accepting why they're in my life. for example, i had a very hard time accepting that Sharon was going to be Alan's new lovey dovey, then again i was ten. I had a hard time accepting that Ryan wasn't going to act as goofy with me as he would Ashley, which once again i was really young. I have over the years accepted that my brothers are going to grow up, have families and lives of their very own, and that no matter what I'm still their little sister and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. I once accepted God as my Lord and Savior. I've also accepted that I'm not so sure about that now. I've accepted that I have an addictive personality, that when i like something, i want to do it -all- the time, be it good or bad. I've accepted my faults, my physical attributes about myself that i do not particularly like, but i was given it through the grace of genetics. I have accepted that I'm adopted, and as a matter of fact it's the very best thing that could have happened do me.

I have a hard time accepting my good qualities in myself, although i know i have many, or people wouldn't like me so much. But those qualities that i don't really see right now will become brighter and more fulfilling because I'm not sure who i am at this point. I've spent time from the age of 13 (yes 13 or however old i was when we moved to Tennessee) to a couple of weeks ago, damaging myself, smoking, drinking, popping pills, smoking weed, and various other drugs, learning who i was through those things. and now i'm clean and sober praying that i can finish my first step (shit, finish the day) still being clean and sober. but i don't know simple things about myself that someone who is almost 25 should know about themselves. It's hard for me to pinpoint what feels are. I know, that i feel something, and i know the basics, i know anger, happiness, sadness, love, hate, guilt. But outside of that, i can't tell you on any given day when i feel.... lets say... discontent, or even content with myself. because when i was learning what those meant to me how that felt inside, i was messed up on something.

I came clean to mom and dad about a lot of things the other day. and i'm very positive that it was stuff they did not want to hear. but i want so badly for us to have a good -honest- relationship for the first time since i was a kid i'm sure. my car is messed up, they let me use theirs and even pick up people for my meetins and i bring it back when i'm suppose to, and even if i'm going to be 15 minutes late, i'll call. I've distroyed their trust in me, their respect because i did not respect them. i took them for granted and i'm done with that. so i got things off my chest that they didn't want to hear, so that maybe they could understand that -honest- reason i put myself in Narcotics Anonymous and not in Alcoholics Anonymous, and i talk canidly about what we talk about in there, so that maybe they will see that i'm trying very very hard to better myself for myself. So i can be what dad know i can be. he has more faith in me that i could ever imagine. there was a time in my life where we couldn't be in the same room with out arguing and fighting. and for so long i thought it was because we were too different. but now i see we're so much a like, so we jump on each others cases about things.

I really dont know once again where i was going with this... loosing train of thought of what this was suppose to be about in the first place. but i suppose that's the thing about blogs, it's whatever comes out of your fingertips... that's the thing about creativity, it just happens.

Sweet J.

"I'm in love with myself i hate everyone else and i blame my identity" - War Within.

The things people come up with... knee slapper.